The Tourist -- Review

What would you do if the beautiful Angelina Jolie approached you "randomly" on a train while you are in a foreign country? Probably double check to make sure it wasn't the Octo-Mom trying for another 15 minutes of fame for playing out a scene from Jolie's last flick. The Tourist is one of those films you wish you hadn't seem no matter how many reasons there were telling you to go. Yes it looked like it had potential of being something great. Yes it is a collaboration between some of the hottest stars in Hollywood. Yes you even would have believed that it could have been great. Unfortunately it turned out to be almost as disappointing as Skyline.

The Tourist should have been "the next big thing" and comparable to Mr. & Mrs. Smith, but other than the premise of the film (and a dance shared between our characters) there is very little that even came close. I wanted there to be passion, action and heavy gun fire. I wanted to see Depp give us some serious action. I wanted Jolie to be the action star we all thought she was. But none of that came. I don't know if it is age catching up (however if The Expenibles can pull it off so should Jolie and Depp) or if parenthood has just tripped them up a bit now that both leads are between big flicks. Even the amazing Paul Bettany (Legion and Creation)was a surprising bore.

The Tourist felt almost like a gentle nod to the classic Bond films. You know, the ones that today's film go-ers would fall asleep during (present party included while attempting to watch Goldfinger). Yes they are classics and nothing can touch them, but they are classics for a reason and should be left alone. When we are given something like The Tourist we have certain expectations. We want what could have been the perfect blend of Mr. & Mrs. Smith meets Salt. Instead we were given the grandparent of those films it moved at such a slow pace I almost thought time itself had slowed. Had I not been sitting in the middle of the theater I would have walked out in the hopes that I could use the remained of the night to actually get something (anything) accomplished.

Aside from the tease the film gives us with a quick glimpse of Rufus Sewell (Dark City), who should have been someone to the story but in fact left us confused and unsatisfied, there should have been something left for viewers to walk away from the film feeling.  But it left me with nothing but an empty hole.  The Tourist is a weak attempt at a "spy vs spy" film regardless of the talent and A-list names that have been dragged into leading roles.  For this being the first time (and at this rate - hopefully the only time) we get to see Jolie and Depp together on the big screen it was as big a let down as Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland.  I have never before said that a Jolie or Depp film has been bad or lacking, but I will scream it from the top of the Empire State Building if I have to.  You all have let down a great admirer of your work, and I am truly sorry to have wasted my time with you on this journey.  Please spare us the next time you plan to work together as I would much rather watch you kick ass individually than be disappointed like this again.

I give The Tourist a 1.5 out of 5.